I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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