Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
