What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
