Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
In America we eat man semen.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
