bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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