So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
