Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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