I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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