Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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