A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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