you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
