you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
