I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
