I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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