This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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