So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
