Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
