haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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