I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
