just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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