i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize