come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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