I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
