I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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