I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I need a beard to bite.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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