I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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