were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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