It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
sarcasm needs its own font
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
