I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
