hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
