even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
