I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
All I want is dick and wine.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
