she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
