Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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