woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
