I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
