The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
His hands were made for my vagina.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
