2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
