I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think i have two assholes
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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