I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
