We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
