i was born a porn star she said
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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