I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you had me at cake vodka
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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