Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
