just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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