Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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