i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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