my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So vagazzling was a success
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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