Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
