if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
