Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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