I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
