Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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