How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
