Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
