your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
