So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
false alarm, still single
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