evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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