Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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