Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
