i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
