Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
