May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
